big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
