We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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