i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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