why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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