apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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