He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
