Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The Olympian is in my bed
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
