Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
