Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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