I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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