Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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