It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
