I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
