My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
