my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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