I would go down on you faster than GM stock
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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