That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
