You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
