Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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