There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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