Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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