Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
