I could have mohawked her pubes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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