I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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