My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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