The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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