Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
