dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
