I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
