Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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