that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
