i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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