Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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