dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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