My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
