so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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