Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
