My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
