I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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