Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
