He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
