he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
