Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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