He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
