You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
