Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
