the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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