Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
