you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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