I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
