I think my vagina is haunted
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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